Mind on a Very Long Leash

Take a look at me, really, one good look at me... "Do I look normal to you?"
Wait. You don't seem to be getting what I'm saying. What? Ok, my bad mouth, I apologize. "Do you get what I'm saying?"
What's that? No? You don't? 
So why the fuck did you make me apologize?! Blaadclat shiii.

My head is spinning. I'm saying a thousand and one meaningless shit per minute. That's one hour full of shit already and a shitty day about to follow. Fuck this shit! 
Yo hol' up. How many times have I said shit since you started reading this post? 
Aha! You see? Now your brain's full of shit! My shit. UuuuuurrggggGGH! I hope it stinks so hard it makes you wanna shit. You know? 
Squat your african black ass down till you pour that smelly red-brown rollockus down your anals.
Huh? What you say? You don't have an African Black ass? O_o! Why? You albino?
What? You white? 
Oh fuck this! You bloody racist! So what if you white in the face? Can't you have an African black ass?
'The fuck is wrong with you people? Damn racists!'

So cause my ass is black now you think you are better than me? Huh? Abi nor be shit you go take the nyash shit? Rubbish!

Aha! There goes the guy ve been waiting for!
I watched him as he strolled stylishly into the room, his eyes scanning the place like clockwork as he searched frantically for me.
I raised one lazy waving hand in the air to signal to him.
His eyes lit up when he saw me. 
'I don enter am today,' I thought to myself as I began to imagine all the very many possibilities this blind date could end up in.

"Oh my God, I can't believe I'm seeing you," he began to say as he sat down in the chair opposite me. No, it didn't stop there.
"I think you are the most beautiful girl this side of town," he went on. 
See washing! Who the fuck does this one think he's lying to? Me? Me wey my eye don tear! I mean, just beside me sat the most beautiful girl within the next 15 feet of us. I mean I couldn't see all the way across the hall. Another fine babe fit dey that side, you get?

I smiled at him, determined to be a good sport on this unlucky day, force it if I have to. Wahala!
"Wow! Look at that smile," he began again. Like say na winsh the smile fell upside down into a frown in an instant.
"What would you like to order?" I asked, cutting off the buha and pretending to be interested in the menu.

"Oh Eva, with you right in front of me, I am fine. I made my orders already with you right here. That's all I need.." He giggled.
Mehnnnn e be like say this one wan enter one chance oh! Whisssh kine nonsense be this na?

I took one good look at him. He seemed a nice guy. His shirt roughly ironed, the collar choking him as he had buttoned all the way up his neck. Who does that? 
Whatever cologne or 'make I smell fine' that he had sprayed seemed to have left round brownish spatters on either side of his shirt. E be like say na all those mallam perf wey dey be like lip gloss. 
I sighed.

"Oh pretty angel, why the exclamation? Are you ok?"

Oooooohhhh whisssh kine wahala be this na? Would you just shaattaap and let's eat and end this blaaadclat day? Which one be exclamé again na? 
Blaaadclaat shiii! Mehnnn nigga fuck this shit!

That's what I wanted to say. But I sat there, staring back at him, fighting my fists to stay down and not slam hard on the table. I ran a neatly manicured finger through my red-haired head and smiled at him. 
"You turned out to be just as I expected," I said to him with a smile.
"Oh I am so musssh happy to hear that," he chuckled. 

Mógbe!

Eva Alordiah

23 comments:

  1. Lmao!! Oh lawd! Eva is just crazy!!!!!!!!!!!

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  2. LMAO! Hahahaha. Too hilarious. Now this is the shit! You should write more often. Comic relief for a really hot day!

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  3. Awww, so crazy...

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  4. LMAO! Mallam perf like lipgloss.. ur mind shudnt go off leash oh, d guy might just cry! Nice one

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  5. LOOL! ...I ran a neatly manicured finger through my red-haired head and smiled at him..."You turned out to be just as i expected" ....Nice...@pwityxcy

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  6. this is crazy....asin the guy must have been a Gbef!!! @ji_baller

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  7. LMAOFAO!!! Eva dis is really crazy mehnnn...expecting more of dis from ya...nice one blaud...

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  8. I knew I was in ƒσя a really good laugh when I got the link to read this. Eva is such a silly ass and funny as shit! LoooooooL.

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  9. Been there. Done that. Swore off blind dates after.

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  10. Alordiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh..... Silly yu...lmaoo....

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  11. More!more!!more!!!

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  12. Hahaha EVA i need ppl like dat guy in my life lmaooooo

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  13. Oh shit,fuck shit,sit ur shitty arse down and nurse a fruit cake over some fruit juice!!! Evas just a clownnnn...

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  14. Lmfao...ya sha not well ♥

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  15. EVA ALORDIAH! Evil something. Smh

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  16. The owner of Tamia ia a Mad black woman! Habaaaaaa! Noooooice u gatta finish ds...really

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  17. LOL! Awwwww thanks for reading guys! Love, hugs and Kisses!

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  18. hehe...Eva you are definitely a special creature,who thinks about all these tho

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  19. Bt, what's all this rubbish na......ahan.....aunty EVa, seee as u just cut d story short, abeg abeg abeg, whr d remainin part jare!!!! #BlaaddyShiit!!!! *inEva'sVoice* lol.....CrazeGehl

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  20. @habbizzelle3/23/2012 11:21 am

    LMFAO! Mean evul pesin is what Eva is. The guy seems charming :)

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  21. Lmao! I very 'mussh'...???
    That's definately a buzz killer

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  22. Some is popularizing the word SHIT, FUCK, ASS, NIGGA!!! WTF is all that. Am the GOOD GUY here, and I don't take that SHIT! Did I just use SHIT! EVA see what U have caused o! U r corrupting my lyrical Vocab... NIGGA who does that SHIT? *Rolling ma Body! Lol.

    For one, this write up is some good dope on a high. U up to some good, Are you planning to use the lines in your next studio release? By the way, am still waiting for the full story as it unfold... Let's turn this into a novel babe. Holla up!

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  23. EEeya Eva its not good o,d guy do tink say d date go well na....I really hope he gets to see dis..lol

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