Relationships. I am a sucker. I love to love, this much is true. I have been lucky to meet some of the most interesting guys, and date a few of them. I have also had my fair share of the how-did-I-get-myself-in-this-mess types. For the most part I have learned quite a lot from guys throughout my life as I do have only a handful of female friends. As for relationships, with everyone that’s ended, I pick up a thing or two that I learned from it, dust my ass and move on.
My last relationship was heaven! Yeah before it became hell. I look back on it every now and again just to watch a few clips off it and move on, which is what I pretty much do with my entire life.
So as much as I love to love, I have decided the only person worth loving right now is me.
Now back to my Ex.
He is very Nigerian, tall, handsome, sexy in every way a girl could think of, very caring and an all round lover boy. At this point, if any of my other Ex’es have enough sense they’d know this post isn’t about them.
This was one of those relationships where you are absolutely so sure it was the one. Everything felt like such a dream, as does everything in Life. But as dreamy as the love was, the hurt was real whenever it occured.
I thought I’d share with you 14 things I learned from this relationship as they are indeed very good points worth noting.
1. Everything is better together
In the early stages of our relationship, my ex and I did almost everything together. We were like peas in a pod. We spent a lot of time together and it almost seemed like our lives were intricately interwoven in such a way that there was no me or him, just us. Working out, cooking, grocery shopping, salon visits, everything you could think of.
The good part of this obviously is that It made our bond that much stronger. The bad part? I found that I missed doing things on my own. He kind of became my only buddie, my best friend, my everything. He was always in my space I was always in his space. It is pretty easy to start stepping on toes when you are that close to a person and that’s exactly what happened.
2. Not everything is better together
Contrary to 1 above, actually not everything is better together. Sometimes a girl just wants to be a girl and a boy just wants to be a boy. So everytime that we were not doing everything together, I found that I was happy to be alone. I am quite sure he was too. So in our time apart, we got that much better alone so that when we did come back together again there was so much to talk about. Balancing is key. We knew how to balance time together and time apart, but not quite well and so the odds were always against us when we didn’t get it just right.
3. Communication is an on-going thing
For any relationship at all, whether it is business, casual, friendships, love, every relationship thrives and excels because of great communication. The best form of communication above all else is real time face to face communication, and I am not talking facetime and skype. When you are with somebody physically, able to look in the person’s eyes as they speak to you, you create a bond that is real and that more special.
However when my Ex and I were apart, we kept it together on all other channels of communication, phone calls, text messaging, BBM and even twitter.
When we were not communicating constantly, something was wrong.
Now the question is ‘What are you talking about?’
With my Ex, we talked about everything. He was my best friend, sometimes it seemed like he was my only friend.
Was this bad? Hell yeah!
Bad for me though because it almost began to feel like I was losing myself socially as I had only one being in my circle most of the time.
4. Family matters
I do place family above everything. Luckily he did too. We talked about our families a lot and were in constant touch individually.
The last thing you want is to be in a relationship with someone who hardly brings up conversation about family. Not good.
5. When there’s money, Love is good
I have never been the type of girl to size a man up according to how much he was packing financially. For the most part I believe in growing together so my choice of men have never had anything to do with their financial status.
However when there’s money and we have enough to spend on this or that, and go to this or that place, Love is good. Every girl knows what this means.
6. When there’s no money, Love is better
Even better than 5, when there is no money, Love is better! As my relationship with my Ex has shown me. If you are like me and do not mind loving a guy for richer or poorer, then you have probably found ways to make love exciting when there is no money.
With my Ex, we found lots of ways and I mean Lots!!!
No money easily meant that we came to appreciate everything a little more than was necessary. We also were able to focus on deeper more meaningful matters like emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth, as we spent more time on naturally available non-money-buying activities.
7. Praying together is powerful
I am constantly seeking new ways to enjoy and develop my relationship with God. I am not holy, just as you aren’t, but when you are with someone on the same path spiritually, it can be a great thing to share.
Everytime we prayed together it always felt like the prayer was that much more stronger and God answered much quicker. “Where two or three are gathered…..”
8. I am mad at you, Let’s talk about it
Over time in life I cultivated a bad habit of keeping things to myself when I was mad and shutting off for minutes, sometimes days. My ex hated it and was always quick to try to quell the situation. He taught me how to get things over with as they happened and it made a huge difference in my life. I didn’t have to walk around with all that baggage and our relationship didn’t have to suffer for something that was already in the past.
“I am mad at you.”
“I am sorry boo. Please let’s talk about it.”
We talk about it, problem solved. Love goes on. Everybody’s happy. Goodbye. Till we fight again. Repeat cycle.
9. Keep a few secrets
This is very important. My Ex and I talked about everything yes, but everything doesn’t mean I couldn’t hold on to a few things that were mine for safe keeping.
I can be a little too trusting for my own good sometimes and with my Ex I was exactly that. But a few skeletons in the shelf don’t hurt no one. Unfortunately for him we didn’t stay together longer for him to hear me spill.
10. We both love books, But I’d choose mine
I made a really terrible mistake of giving up my right to choose and began instead to want to do things my Ex did. This was especially true with books. We are both addicted to books but in varying subjects. However I doted on him a bit too much. I thought he was the most intelligent guy I’d ever met. I wanted to schedule my day like he scheduled his’, I wanted to read the same books he read, I made his mentors my mentors, I created To-Do lists after To-Do lists like he did even though I was much more productive as a random creative.
Heck it didn’t take long before I lost myself in his world.
But here’s the hard truth, no knowledge is lost. I admit that I learned quite a bit from going that route but it cannot be compared to the joy I felt when I came back to my senses and began to read and do according to my own unique needs again.
11. Not every man is a dog
I have met quite a number of dogs in my lifetime. I don’t care how many people you have running down your list, we all have our numbers, but biko, when you are with one person, stick to one person until the devil separates you two.
My Ex respects himself too much to be a dog. Whoever the girl is that’s gonna get him now after me is one lucky girl!
12. Men are simple
All the emotional bouhaha that we female folk bring to the table really doesn’t make sense to them. They don’t get why we make something so simple appear way too complicated. Men have the simplest answers, the simplest reasons for doing what they do, it never has to be too deep, it never has to get to the point where they have to beg us. But we nor gree.
I for one nor gree. It took a while but he finally did drive home his point into my thick skull. Men are simple, if you are willing to see it that way.
13. Rules of engagement, Keep it to yourself
This particular relationship was the best I ever had! Oooohhhh the Love. Unlike any other relationship, this one was very very very Us. I didn’t have any need to get anyone involved in our drama and like I told you at No.8, my Ex had a way of solving issues as they occured. It is true that conflict and disagreements occur in relationships to strengthen the bond, just like life does with us when things are down and tough. The more conflicts, the more opportunities to learn how to resolve them better and in a loving peaceable manner.
Because I was not involving my girlfriends or telling whoever cared to listen about my problems, it helped us solve issues between us and there were no external opinions fueling or messing things up. You know how everyone suddenly becomes a relationship expert when you have a relationship problem? Yeah, I didn’t give myself the pleasure of that kind of therapy. Ehrmmm..actually maybe once. (There’s always that one time)
14. Love is as love does
My Ex’ favorite phrase. This is akin to love your neighbor as yourself. Do unto others as you’d like them to do unto you.
He was a master at this and everyday was a reason to love even better than yesterday.
Basically whatever you wouldn’t accept for yourself, do not extend unto your partner.
15. “I Am not your Ex”
I heard this all the time. It was like a constant reminder. My Ex before this Ex was a terrible Ex. And the latter Ex hated it whenever I made it seem as though he was a reincarnation of the former Ex.
‘I am not your Ex’ he’d say to me matter of factly. And when I looked into his eyes and gazed upon his handsome face, of course I wasn’t blind. He was not that Ex obviously. He was better, more caring, sincere, very well mannered, very dedicated and a true God-send. But he is an Ex now. Just not that Ex.
Now after all that, why did we break up? Nna it’s a long story biko.